How to Get Yourself Killed By an FMA Character
by NoMangaOrAnimeEqualsDead
Summary: Learn how to piss off/suicide by Ed, Al, Havoc, Winry, and two surprise characters. Pairings if you squint.
1. Ed

Lately i've been stuck on gakuen alice, which impeded me from posting this. good news i caught up. bad news, i read 134 chapters over 3 days in the course of about 18-20 hours. which is sad... otherwise it's a good manga. more bad news is that i've actually read so much manga/watched so much anime that i figured out what type of boy i LIKE, which is sad, considering i have never had a boyfriend and none of the boys in my skool are cute (that i know of). and then (of course!) my friend texts me, so we talk a bit. and he reccomends a song from a game he's been playing. he loves it and since its in japanese (he knows about my japanese song obssession. wat? its good music!) so at first its like "meh" and now, i'm addicted to it. so that impeded some more posting time. now that i've finished my rant, **i dont own fma/fmab (oh how i wish i did) **and sorry for gramatical/spelling errors. its winter break. i'm about as lazy as shikamaru. only instead of watching clouds, i'm staring at my ceiling... (i.e. im SOOO BORED OUT OF MY MIND IM GOING INSANE!) on with the story! (as i will mention several times later on because i'm just that weird, no i'm trying to avoid getting killed...)

How to get Yourself Killed by an FMA Character, or at least piss 'em off somehow…

and Maybe Some Results From the "Experiments" To See If It Worked

Ed:

Calling him small/shrimp/etc. works pretty well

Key for this story: _the main character speaks (Ed in this case)_

I am speaking

**The results of the torture-thingie… err…*dances and sings carmarell dansen* ON WITH THE STORY!**"_What the hell do you mean by that?" _

I mean you're short you egotistical moron.

_*CLAP*_

*holds up hand* Hold it. Before you do something to me with your alchemy what would your fans say?

"Who cares. I'm going to have fun doing something awful to you! *hiss*"

"Uhuh… So what has caused such a huge insecurity about your, er… Size?

_"DON'T YOU DARE START TRYING TO ACT LIKE A PSYCHOLOGIST!"_

"You're very violent, what do you think causes this?"

_"YOU!"_

"I'm sorry but I don't cause it. Maybe it's all the pent up anger from when Winry hits you… Yes… That might be it"

_"What?"_

"Huh? Oh sorry rambling. Ha ha ha! Silly me." *slaps self upside the head lightly*

_"Did… Did you just say Winry was the cause of my anger?"_

"Yes?"

_"SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME! YIPPEE!"_

*anime sweat drop/glasses partly fall off face* "Err… Alright you may leave now Edward…"

"Really?"

"Yes of course, don't forget to tell Winry to come to my office tomorrow!"

"Yes ma'am!" *closes SOUNDPROOF door*

"Good god… What the heck just happened? Ed might as well have admitted he likes Winry when he started blushing after I said her name 'accidentally'. Ah Well… Oh dear. Winry's coming tomorrow… Crap…" *sticks head out of door* "Hey Rose, could you by any chance come in tomorrow as well?"

"Sure, but… Why?"

"Weeellll… Winry's coming tomorrow and I don't exactly feel like doing a weapons search before she comes in. So I was wondering if you could do it since she trusts you more."

"I could just ask her to leave her gear home. I'll tell her there's no one here has automail and everything was just inspected."

"Thanks Rose!"

"Anytime. But please… Don't tie her hands down when she starts talking about Ed. Tying her hands down somehow gives her extra strength to break free… Just give her something that she can take her anger out on that's not Ed… I don't think our budget covers the chairs in your office."

"That's true. Actually… I'm going to go downtown…"

"Why?"

"To get some insurance on my mahogany chairs… I really like those chairs…"

**Ok so that was an epic fail. It turned into a therapy session… NEXT TOPIC! *happy dance***

Dress up as his dad and say hi to him

**Do I really need to make a story for this? I mean it's pretty obvious what chaos will happen… Use your imaginations. Think of what that poor person will have to go through. (In other words I'm too lazy to make a character from FMA suffer since I need them to live for my stories.) So we will skip to the next topic. Say it with me Y-A-Y!~ Dontcha just love my *cough* sarcasm *cough* humor?**

Steal his stuff

Key for this story: _main character speaking_

_**Me speaking**_

_Fan girls_

_**Time Frame**_

Referred to person. Most likely the character will be implied by the next statement. Anyway ON WITH THE TORTURE! *sadistic maniacal laugh*

_"Yo! Fan girls of Edward Elric, we have banded here today to see the great Full-Metal Alchemist! Thank you for coming. We will get started when he walks out. Please hold your excitement in until after he realizes we are here."_

_**10 Hours Later**_

_"Psst. Maes. You gotta get me out of here! There's a mob of fan girls outside! They'll kill me!_

"Ed! How are you? Have I shown you my new pictures of Elysia yet? This one is her on my lap in the car and this on-

"MAES!"

"Ah Roy, how are you? Is it time to go back to the office yet? Hey Ed want to come wi- Where'd he go? Huh… Oh well. Let's go Roy." *walks out of library*

_"WHERE'S ED?"_

"Ah you are the fan girls he told me about… I actually don't know where he went. I think he's still in the library. He's been looking for you all.

"REALLY? EEEE!" *stampede into library screaming*

_"__**My, my, my. What a good disguise Ed."**_

_"How'd ya know?"_

_**"Your hair/bang thing was sticking up behind Maes."**_

"Ah there you are Ed! I didn't get a chance to show you this picture of Elysia at a park! Isn't she cute in that dress? Oh what about this picture, she's-

_**Mustang could you please get Ed home safely? Preferably BEFORE the fan girls realize he's not in the library?**_

"Why should I?"

_**"I'll tell Riza you're not doing paperwork. Or I'll go get my own gun and shoot you.**_

*gulp* "You. You wouldn't do that right? I mean I would LOVE to go out on a… date… with… You're going to kill me if I say I'm referring to you aren't you…

_**"Yup. So start getting Ed away and I won't tell Riza about your lack of paperwork and your crush on a certain person."**_

*splutter* "I. I don't. I'm not in love with Riza!"

_**"I never said anything about Riza, did I Ed?"**_

"Nope!"

"You… You guys are crazy! And YOU! You're a sadistic devil!"

_***evil smile* "Why thank you. Now run along. Oh Ed can I have your jacket?"**_

_"Why?"_

_**"Do you want them chasing after you?**_

_"0.0 Not really…" *tosses jacket at me*_

_**"Good bye. Now to brave the fan girls… Wait… Why am I doing this?"**_

_HEY THAT CHICK HAS ED'S JACKET! ATTACK!_

_**"Ooh… I'm in huuuge doo… Umm… Here's the jacket! I. I ripped it off him for you when he was running away towards Ishval(a?)!"**_

_"ED COME BACK TO US!"_

_**"What a bunch of crazies… At least I got out alive. Hmm… ACK! I WAS SUPPOSED TO STEAL SOMETHING FROM HIM! Well that was a lost cause… -_- Maybe I'll have better luck next time…"**_

… **I mean no off ense to any Ed fans or any fans of another sort. Sigh…Yet another epic fail… I think I need to rethink these ideas… On second thought I'll keep the stories. They seem funny. Anyway. ON TO! DUN DUN DUN! *fanfare/ etc. etc.* THE NEXT *hack!* sorry about that. THE NEXT T- Oh hi! What are you doing here Al?**

I'm here to help you introduce your next topic, nee-san!

**Al… Al, Al, Al… How many times must I tell you?**

"Tell me what?"

**"I'm not your nee-san. Technically you are my nii-san. 'Cuz I'm sure as heck not older then you…"**

"Ok. So now we have the next topic. Me! YAY! *does happy dance*

**"Al… Can I ask you something?**

"Yes?"

**"You usually aren't so willing to do something like this, especially when it comes to your brother…**

"Oh… You'll see" ^_^

***worried look* So on to our next topic!**

Talk to Al. He'll have better ideas…

Key for this story: _**me~ (my thoughts)**_ Al~

_**"Al if you would be so kind as to share with us how to upset your brother (since my ideas have failed miserably…)"**_

"Well. You kinda already covered them. Those are his greatest pet peeves…"

_**"Thank you Al. (I'm free. I'M FREE OF THIS WRETCHED TOPIC! J/K I'm just done writing about Ed… T-T the amount I have to do… makes me cry!)"**_

"Ano… Why are you crying?"

_**"Huh? Oh no reason. (Just the fact that I have more stuff to type! T-T)"**_

"… You're crying even more now… Ne, are you sure you're ok?

_**"Yeah, yeah I'm fine (SOB! Ok. Get ahold of yourself. The quicker you type it up the less you have to do. Breathe in. breathe out.)**_

"YAY! You're calming down! I thought I made you cry for a moment."

_***starts crying hysterically again* "(I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET YOU MAD!)**_

"Oh no. I didn't mean to say that. Don't start crying again! Please!"

"_**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *tears streaming down cheeks*"**_

"I didn't mean it! Umm… What do I do… What do I do…?" *runs around freaking out like that time in FMA (not brotherhood) that Ed and Al had to deliver a baby for the first time*

_**"(How interesting… Maybe I can use this for Al's portion… No. I can't. It's not doing anything besides make him freak out… HEY! Maybe I can get him to give me a GIANT chocolate chip cookie!)"**_

"Is there ANYTHING I can do? Please oh please stop crying!"

_**"Nnn… Can I pwease have a choc-chippie cookie? Pwease onii-san?"**_

"Give me a couple minutes, let's see what your nii-san can do to get a cookie." *runs out of studio looking for a cookie*

"_**Sigh, I love being the author… What a long cry fest… Eesh… I think next time I'll ask for peach cobbler. Yuuummmmm."**_

The End

~New Chapter means new Character~

A/N: hope you enjoyed. i sure didn't. i think this was crap. so please review, flames must have a reason, thank you for your time yadda yadda yadda, bye~  
~Kaida-chan out!~


	2. Al

IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER I SAID "did I Ed?" I was asking Ed like "did i?" and then he answered with a happy "nope" Roy then called me a sadistic devil and blah blah blah. Sorry for any misunderstandings. **I don't own FMA/FMAB** hope you enjoy! While i understand that Al is a bit OC it's because when i wrote this i was having a spaz attack or something. Sorry for the OCness. I tried to fix it, but then gave up because i thought it was funny. Also, Happy Xmas Eve (is that even a saying? i'll try and post tomorrow sometime between 12-4 PM US Eastern time) HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!

Key:

the show host talking (me)

"Al"

**the author (also me. just think the announcer is a different person from me...)**

_people who help out or FMA characters that aren't important to this chapter and only have like one line._

STORY TIME! *sings elmos' world*

And now *drum roll* we return to the newest broadcast ooooof: *still drum rolling* ok enough I think they know that it's an important announcement so kill the rolling k?

Anyway, today we return to the newest series…

"How to get Yourself Killed by an FMA Character, or at least piss 'em off somehow…

Maybe some results from the "experiments" to see if it worked"

Today's guest. Is. The lovely, wait. Al? … Why are you here? Wasn't Winry supposed to come today?

"Ano… *nervous laugh* Winry's at home… Er… Dealing with something *muttered "or rather someone…"*

Ah… Ed's not drinking his milk?

"Well, no… more like he broke his automail again…"

Oh… That. That explains everything; huh we were supposed to introduce you next week. But I guess we can switch some stuff around, hmm… *shuffling of papers*

"… There are papers all over the floor too… They look really important…"

Huh? Oh _those_, those are er… Decoration! Yeah they're decoration!

"Are you sure? … They look like bills and threatening letters…"

Really? I never noticed, ah here is yours Al I found it. Oh whoopsie. I dropped the other pages… Oh well I'll pick them up when the show's done. Now then Al let's see what our… dear… author… SHE DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING! WTF IS UP WITH THAT? Please excuse me Al, I need to go talk to the author.

"Ok. Can I help myself to the snacks?"

Sure, go ahead.

*next room over*

**Yo~**

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YO~? THERE'S FREAKIN NOTHING WRITTEN DOWN FOR AL!

**You do realize that I am you.**

YES I KNOW THAT BUT YOU! ARE! THE WRITER! WRITE SOMETHING!

**Why can't you write something?**

*breathes in and out* because the part of your brain that created me, IS NOT A WRITER!

**You are me so you are.**

No.

**Yes you are.**

No I'm not.

**Yes~**

N. O!

**Yup**

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT NO IS?

**No.**

AGH! I HATE YOU!

**That means you hate yourself. Emo~**

*goes insane* I QUIT! I HATED THIS JOB WHEN I STARTED NOW I CANT STAND TO BE HERE ANOTHER SECOND!

**If you quit there'll be no story. It'll all collapse. And when all our readers get mad they will blame y.o.u.**

*seethe* JUST WRITE SOMETHING YOU CHOCOLATE LOVING FREAK! *shrieking hysterically now*

**I'm sorry did you say something? *pulls out earplugs***

AAAGGGH! I. WILL. STRANGLE. YOU! *hisss*

**You strangle me and the story dies.**

You do realize that the story is now being made up of you arguing with yourself.

**Really? Interesting, I think it'll be interesting for the readers. It keeps them on edge waiting for when the story will resume. Or it just gives the reader a slight taste of the author's personality. I mean this IS a humor story isn't it?**

I think you're high off the air again…

**You think so? I hadn't noticed… Ah I think I have something. Lemme type something up. Go back to the studio and take your laptop. I'll send it to you when I'm done.**

NO! You are going to type it up. Then send it to me WHILE I'M WATCHING YOU!

**But that'll ruin the surprise~*whine***

GAH! FINE! I swear you're just like that dog from Fruits Basket. What's his name again?

**Shigure.**

Yes yes him. At least I'm not the suicidal editor…

**Huh… You learn something new everyday.**

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'M NOT SUICIDAL!

**You hurt my ears.**

WRITE. THE DAMN. STORY. YOU. YOU. AGGGH! I CANT EVEN THINK STRAIGHT ANYMORE!

**You can think? I thought you just read stuff off a paper.**

*anger marks all over forehead* YOU! START TYPING! *slams fist into head*

***silence***

You aren't knocked out. It takes a lot to do that. -_- Quite frankly I don't think I have the time to wait for you to revive yourself or whatever.

**Fine. *gets off of floor and turns on computer to start typing***

Finally. *opens door* Alright now- You were there the whole time weren't you… I'm sure you readers enjoyed that little spaz attack didn't you. *looking down at little cute animals outside door* My life is a never ending hell… Sigh. Let's go back to the studio. Maybe by then SOMEONE will have finished their work.

_**1 hour later**_

**You have mail. You have mail. You hav-**

SHUT UP! It's a wonder I don't have an ulcer yet -_- Ah she finished writing it *hands laptop to tech people* Could you put it on the projector? I don't have time to look over it. Thanks. ALRIGHT PLACES PEOPLE WE HAVE A SHOW TO PRODUCE. DON'T YOU DARE START LAUGHING HAVOC IT'S NOT A FUNNY WORD! (A/N: I'm actually a tech-freak, I love PPT, MW, Paint, etc.)

"Yay, we can start now ^_^"

Today we will attempt to anger Al. Yes the sweet lovable young man from FMA, the man who loves kittens. Say hello to the kittens in the audience who are rooting for you Al.

"Hi there kitties, thank you for coming ^_^"

Our author has thought up some ideas. Let's see what she has written.

"Ano… What are those strange symbols?"

Let's see dot dot dot, question mark, dash, underscore, dash, question mark, dot dot do- WAIT. Ugh… She's a real piece of work… You know how to text Al right?

"Yup, brother showed me last week."

Ok well this is what is says …? -_- ? … In other words, the author has no idea what to put- hey she did write something… "Threaten kitties" … Why on earth would we do that? Al would murder us on the spot to save the precious cats… That's a suicide plan there… Oh she wrote something else… "Tell him Ed's dead…" Al does that ange- Al… Al, Al look at me. Look at me, he's fine. Edward is alive and well ok?

"But. But. IT SAYS HE'S DEAD!

No no he's not, he's very alive, in fact let's call Winry right now ok?

"GASP WINRY KILLED HIM!"

Al, Al come on look at me, don't go crazy and jump to conclusions. He's fine. Repeat it with me. Edward. Come on say it.

"Edward."

Is.

"Is"

Not.

"Not"

Dead.

"Dead."

Good, now put it together *hisses at tech people "switch the screen to something like kittens!"*

"Edward is not dead.

Ah Winry texted back, she says he's alive and drinking milk.

"M- milk?"

0.0 He's what?

"Brother is drinking milk! THE WORLD IS GOING TO END! *starts running in circles*

Does anybody know what Al ate from the snack table? *looking over at people while having a slightly annoyed expression*

_We think he ate donuts… There aren't many left…_ (- random people. Idk umm. Talking animals? Use your imagination just don't use FMA characters otherwise it won't make sense…)

That explains it. The sugar was too much for him. Get me some sleeping pills or call 911. Whichever's quicker.

_"I have some sleeping pills."_

Kay, toss em over Fuery. Oh and a bottle of water too. Hey Al, Al you have to calm down. Look at my eyes, keep your eyes on mine I want you to stay caaaalm.

"The world's going to end 0.0"

No Al, sigh… Okay if you don't want the world to end I need you to take these two little pills here and swallow them with some water. It will help you survive the first part of the end of the world so you can get to your brother. Can you do that for me?

"Yes ma'am." *swallows pill*

Good, good. Now go sit down on that couch over there and lie down, it'll make the pill get through your system faster.

"Okay. Brother I'm coming for you soon!" *heads over to couch* "Umm… Am I supposed to be sleepy?"

Yes, it's normal, don't worry just close your eyes.

"Ok."

You're doing great Al.

""

Wow… He snores louder than I thought… Sigh… That… That was…

A disaster?

Yes Roy, that was a disaster…

_So what's next?_ (- random person of your choice)

I think we should end the show… We've had enough drama for one episode… That and I think I'm going to go to the author again, it will most likely not be for your guys' ears so you all can leave. Go home do whatever. Just don't lock up. I'll do that after I'm done with my speal to the author… -_-

Okay ^_^(-everyone in the studio)

**That was awful… It went NO WHERE! The entire thing was pretty much an argument with myself! GAH! I need to find something better to do in my life than write these pointless stories. But my dearies, you need me for a good laugh. So sorry if it was uneventful and please look forward to the next chapter! (T-T WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Oh wait… Ahahaha. I have another story planned out. I DON'T HAVE TO THINK FOR THE NEXT STORY YAY!) -incoherent rambling please ignore and look forward to the next chapter!**

The End

~New Chapter means new Character~

A/N: Alright so i had a request to be killed in the story. I've decided to accept a couple people for each chapter should people want to be a victim/help out/just be in the story. So if you'd like to be one of the people in the a chapter please review and tell me what you'd like to be called (something short. like bob or something. or your nickname. i'll introduce everyone in the chapter at the beginning of the story by username and the name they'll go by.) I'll try my best to add as many as i can :D The people who feel like being victims can choose from Havoc, Winry, or the 2 surprise characters (i wont tell you! you'll have to find out). Helpers/people who just want to be in the story can choose, or just be put in random chapters.

~Kaida-chan out~


	3. Havoc

Ello ello ello my dearies~ Hope you all are having a wonderful Xmas and got lotsa a presents [i love my presents~](if you celebrate it) today. This chapter is Havoc, hope you enjoy. I DON'T OWN FMA/FMAB AND I DON'T OWN JEFF DUNHAM JOKES. but i do have his DVD's. i havent seen em yet cuz of my bro -_- but that's what youtube is for! hmm... it's been a while since i've done a humorous disclaimer of some sort (i was bored yesterday so i critized my past stories by reading them and pointing out to myself every mistake/issue/flow problems/etc.) so maybe the next update will have something humorous. anyway enjoy~

Key: (thoughts of person talking or supposed to talk)

_emphasis on the word/statement/etc._

Me~

"Character being talked to/interviewed."

**(thoughts)** - you'll know who's thoughts they are.

AND NOW! ONTO ROUND 3! Today we introduce… Wi-… Havoc what are you doing here?

"I heard there was free cigs here…"

*palms face*

"So is there?"

… -_-* NO! Anyway I think we have your sheet here. Let's see now. Ah there are some requests, let's see now… *mumble mumble*

"Requests…?"

Yes requests. Alright, Bobby Joe from Kalamazoo said. Oh, this is a low blow. I'm sorry Havoc I'll save this for last ok?

"… *sweat drop*"

Ah, here's another one. George from- what does this say? Oh! Saw... na-taw... Uh-naw... Sawnataw Uhna. Yup sounds about right doesn't it?

"… You're horrible. You just copied something from Jeff Dunham's comedy act with Peanut…"

I SWEAR ON MY LIFE! That is says Sawnatawn Uhna. SEE! *pointing at sheet*

*sweat drop* It. It actually does…"

Okay so they said… *mumble mumble cigs and matches mumble mumble*

"Huh?"

I said take away his cigarettes and matches!

"NOOOO! I'LL NEVER LIVE WITHOUT THEM! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIIIIVE! *runs out of studio screaming*

*SNAP* Get him boys.

"LEMME GO! LEMM-"

You're back, how nice of you to join us again.

"Ok so you caught me. Now what?"

Hand 'em over.

"What?"

Hand over your matches AND cigs.

*hissss* My preccciousss!

Havoc don't make this anymore difficult then it really is.

"NEVER"

Sigh, I really didn't want to do this. Do you want to hear what Bobby Joe said?

"Who?"

The person who wrote something and I never told you what it was?

"Oh. Yeah sure, anything BUT taking away my precious!"

Haaa… Ok, How is your love life doing? Any new leading ladies in your life?

"… No."

Thought so. Why? Who do you think is the cause of this?

"Mustang."

Mhmmm. How do you think we can stop that?

"Kill him."

Do you really want to kill the only boss of yours that promised… The women wearing Mini-skirts… *shudder*

"Good point… HEY! YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER ROY FAN GIRL!"

No. I'm actually not. I'm a Roy/Riza fan. I would do absolutely nothing to them unless it was to get them together…"

"You're trying to huh."

I'm not _trying_, I actually got them together.

"NO WAY! HOW?"

Later. We have a show to complete. Sigh… Again… It's getting off topic -_-

"Ok, well I'm going to have a smo- WHERE'D MY PACK GO?"

Lookin' for this~? *holds up pack of cigarettes*

"Ha, I have a… nother… You have 'em don't you…"

*evil smirk as I spread the packs of cigs like a fan made of playing cards*

"GIVE THEM BACK!"

No~

*pulls out gun*

You'll be accused of murder.

"No, it was for a good cause. And besides I think I'm a good shot so it might look accidental."

Is that so~? *raises eyebrow*

"… Yes. It is. I'm not as good as the Lt. But I'm pretty damn close."

Go ahead. Shoot me. I DARE you.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

You missed my dearie.

"WTF? You didn't even move!"

Tch. Unobservant, I thought you would have noticed since your such a _good shot_. *does quotation marks in the air*

"What's that thing sticking out of your back? It looks like… A sword handle?"

Good job, you earn a gold star! *sarcasm*

"Well, is it?"

Is it what?

"A sword!"

Ah, yes it is, wanna see?

"… I guess **(I mean it's not like your skilled with it. And how long has it BEEN there?)**

*pulls sword out of sheath on back* Do you like it?

"Yeah, it looks very decorative."

Decorative… Hmm... That's a first. *woosh*

*GULP* "Umm… That was fast."

Yes. Now what were you saying about Arashi no Mae no Shizukesa? *leering grin while pressing sword on Havoc's throat*

"Umm, its sharp?"

Eh. Better than nothing. *puts sword back in sheath* (A/N: i seriously do have a sword and its sharp. i have scars on my knees from flowering with it -spinny sword move. idk how to describe it better- don't mess with the violent chick. - rule #? of life. its a good sword. *pats sword*)

"So how did you not get hit by those bullets?"

I dodged them.

"Ha ha ha, tell me the truth."

Alright shoot me again and this time we'll record it- oh we already recorded it? Good, could you play it on the screen?

"... 0.0 How did you move that fast?"

I'm a ninja. Now can we get back to the story? We got off track again.

"… Don't wanna."

OI! MUSTANG!

"Yea?"

Get your ass over here! I don't feel like being nice considering I've had to break out my weapons already!

"Fine, fine. What do you want?"

How many girls have you "stolen" from Havoc now?

"Hmm... Probably over a hundred. Why?"

Havoc, how does- uh… I don't think we'll be hearing from Havoc anytime soon *looking down at floor which has a sobbing Havoc*

"Can we talk about me?"

No Roy, today is about Havoc **(since Winry keeps dodging the place...) **I think you should leave though. Havoc is sobbing even more now…

"Well he should man up and move on."

Just go make out with Riza or something.

"… Why would I do that?"

Ugh. Just go. **(I swear it's like they're kids…)**

"Can I burn something?"

NO!

*leaves after seeing a woman he doesn't know walk by doorway*

Havoc? Havoc honey, you've got to get up. I'll give you back your matches and cigarettes if you stop crying.

"Matchstick."

Huh?

"Mustang is a matchstick."

Ok, here are your cigarettes you can leave… *worried look*

*laughing hysterically as he walks out of room*

Well then… ARGH! ANOTHER FREAKIN' FAILURE! I should just stop writing this. It went from mini stories to a show… How random is that. HEY! YOU! STOP RECORDING *shoves hand in front of camera*

The End

~New Chapter means new Character~

Sorry for such a late update, i kinda got distracted by the new video games... ^_^' whoopsie. but have a nice evening (if it's evening wherever you are) and we have about 2-3 more chapters left. so keep checking for the new chapters~ Also, sorry about last chapter, it was a little lame... I'm pretty sure the chapter is supposed to be about AL! not me! sigh... -_-' anyway, hope you enjoyed. plz review if you can, thanks.

~Kaida-chan out~


	4. Winry 2 Guests

Hello my friends! Sorry for the irregular updating and the non-updating these past couple days. I've been bus- *something hits the back of my head*  
LIES!  
SHADDUP! IT'S NOT YOUR TURN YET! Anyway... *glares at the blonde who threw the can of tomato sauce at my head* So i haven't exactly been "busy" more like lazy... And i was distracted. By Fairy Tail... My friend got me stuck on it... -_-* So much for slowly getting rid of the addiction... Anyway here's the humorous disclaimer i promised. I'm sure when you read it you're probably going to be asking "why? What possessed you to do this?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Me: *staring* jiiiiiiii  
Wolf: ... Do you have a problem?  
Me: No, i'm just wondering why I'm here.  
Wolf: I dont know.  
Me: Do you mind sayi- Wait... Why am i talking to a wolf... Why is it answering me? *panicking*  
Wolf: I should be asking you that.  
Me: ... Alright, well can you read?  
Wolf: This is your dream, so i would assume so.  
Me: Why am i dreaming of wolves?  
Wolf: ... Asking the wrong wolf here.  
Me: Ok well could you read this out loud? *passes a sheet of paper to the wolf*  
Wolf: I guess. Hmm. "Kaida-chan does not own Fu-" Why am i reading a disclaimer?  
Me: DANG IT! WHY CAN'T I EVER GET SOMEONE TO READ IT FOR ME? I HATE SAYING IT! It makes me feel sad...  
Wolf: Leave and i'll finish saying it.  
Me: Yes! *victory sign as i walk out of the wolf's den*  
Wolf: "Kaida-chan does not own Fullmetal Alchemist" What the hell is fullmetal alchemist?  
Me: Crap... I'm lost... How do i get lost in 5 seconds? Every tree looks the same! Why did i even dream about a forest?

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Well that was rather long... Sorry for wasting about 30 seconds of your time. Enjoy the story!

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DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN~~!

Welcome to the fourth chapter in the:

"How to get Yourself Killed by an FMA Character, or at least piss 'em off somehow…

Maybe some results from the "experiments" to see if it worked"

Installment! Today we will try something new. Wait, what? Did somebody change the script again?

"I did."

Why?

"I was curious."

Sigh, ok Winry, what are we going to do today?

"Well I was thinking about talking about our love life.

_HELL_ NO! NEXT!

"You didn't even hesitate. Is yours really that bad?"

*shot through the heart* No.

"Really…?

Yes really, what about you?

"What about me?"

You and Ed.

"Nothing"

That was a quick answer. Are you _sure_ it's nothing?

"Absolutely."

Your face is turning red.

"No its not~"

Winry before you react because I see you reaching for something, we did a weapons search of you, so you don't have any wrenches, hammers, etc.

"Damn."

I'll drop the subject. For now… Anyway we are here today to talk about how to get you pissed off. And most likely get myself or the reader killed. Now this week we are prepared, we also, have some vic- guests who want to help out. So instead of me getting most likely beat up it will be two of my readers, who being ever so kind, reviewed! I introduce to you KingofHeartless'09! He wants to be called Bryan. WELCOME BRYAN!

**"Yo!" **(A/N: since i don't know your personality or anything i'm just making stuff up as i go. ^_^' Sorry if it makes you offended...)

Next we have Mew Phong! She wants to be called Mew. WELCOME MEW!

**_"Hi!"_**

... I'm guessing you're high off the air again?

**_"Nope! Ok maybe yes..."_**

Now we continue with our... What is this actually... Anyway we created a fantasy world video thingie. It's like a mini story- Yes Winry?

"So you mean like it was in the beginning of the story?"

Somewhat. Yes.

"Oooh… This week is me right?"

Yup.

"Uhuh… Let's see what you came up with."

(A/N: this will be a similar layout to the first chapter; the characters in the story think it's a video)

_Automail_

"Hey Winry… Uh… *looks around nervously* umm…" Ed mumbled.

"Someone broke your arm again… Didn't they…?" Winry said as she slapped her palm with her wrench threateningly.

Ed flinched, hearing the anger growing in her voice. "Well if it helps any, the person who broke it yelled something about being suicidal? AAAH! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" Ed yelled as a wrench ricocheted off his now bleeding forehead.

"BROTHER!" Al yelled as Ed collapsed.

"'K… Now where's the *censored* who broke my precious automail?" Winry hissed.

Al could only point in the opposite direction he came from. Central…

_Automail Design Issues_

Key for this mini-story:

Mew (no tabs)

"**Winry**"

ON WITH THE MADNESS! *cackles* (- only this part is me the announcer)

Hey Winry. Can I talk to you?

**"Yeah. Watcha need Mew?"**

I overheard the worst possible news just a couple days ago… It's too dreadful to even talk about it with such an amazing automail mechanic.

**"Oh no… What did Ed and Al do th- wait… Automail issues? How so?"**

This person said that automail was clunky and unattractive. That it was heavy and pointless. They said that they'd rather have stumps inst- hey. Where ya going Winry? WINRY? YOU BETTER NOT KILL THEM! Crap… She's at it again… AGH! WINRY I'M NOT THE ONE WHO SAID IT!

**"*stops angry rampage* Oh. Then who was?"**

Umm... Some weird guy who had sparkles? I think his name was-

**"Armstrong... I'LL KILL YOU DAMNIT!"**

No! That wasn't him!

**"Well. THEN WHO WAS IT?"**

That bird up there. *points up at a bird going by*

***runs off to catch the bird***

... I'm so screwed when she finds out I was just joking...

_Dress up as Ed and wreck the fake automail (or real if it is) in front of her_

Pretty self explanatory. I don't have to go into much detail. Just imagine you/Ed, then Winry standing over you with a bloody object in her hand. And then imagine yourself with a head bashed in and possibly your grave. But since we haven't let Bryan have some fun yet, I've made up mini story for him on the spot.

Key:

Bryan (no tabs)

**"Winry"**

Sound Effects

_**ON WITH THE TORTURE! MWAHAHAHAHA**_ - you can guess who this is...

Hey Winry!

**"Ed! You're ba- you look kinda funny..."**

Uh, nono I'm uh. I'm fine! I just messed around with Al earlier.

**"Which somehow caused you to grow taller..."**

WHO YOU CALLING SHOR-

WHAM!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?

**"I WAS STOPPING YOU FROM GOING ON ANOTHER 'SHORT' RAMPAGE!"**

WHO ARE YOU-

BAM BAM!

**"ENOUGH ALREADY!"**

Fine!

**"Hey. Your automail... Something doesn't look right..."**

Oh you mean this? *takes off paper automail to reveal... a normal arm and hand*

**"YOU'RE NOT ED! WHO ARE YOU? DIE!**

_We are gathered here today in honor of Bryan, who died at the hands of an angry mechanic... _

**_Autopsy reports say he didn't have any drugs in his system which means he did not try to suicide. We have ruled this incident as a cosplay accident. Tomorrow on Risembool News we-_** *TV turns off*

Back to the show~

"I'm not THAT violent am I?"

...

"That actually explains a lot of Ed's stupidity though…"

*mouth opens to reply… then decides not to…*

"Alright well that's the end of the show today right?"

Yeah… Ok so see ya next time. We have a special gift for Bryan and Mew, free tickets for our next sho- OI! WATCHU DOIN' HERE? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING NEXT WEEK'S STUFF!

Author: I finished~ *cheeky grin*

Is that so?

Author: Yeah!

Then let's announce the person for next week!

Author: Haha Noooooo.

And why the hell not?

Author: … It'll ruin the surprise~!

*face palm*

Author: Well I mean it's my two favorite characters so what more do I have to say?

Yeah… That REALLY clears things up you know… *sarcasm*

Author: Well then the audience just has to wait 'til next week~!

You're in strangely high spirits today… Kowaii…

Author: Oh come on. It's not THAT scary to see ME happy.

No. It's your weird grin…

Author: Oh… Yeah that explains it. Anyway I guess I'll be nice and tell you that the surprise people are-

*TV clicks off*

**A/N: That was just a fail… I think I need medical help. Anyway, to Mew and Bryan, thank you for reading and reviewing, sorry if it wasn't up to your expectations. But I do hope you enjoyed it =^_^=**

The End

~New Chapter means new Character~

**And one very special shout out to my wolfy friend who suffe- i mean read through all my fics. I'm sure you were probably weirded out by some of them since i'm not the type of person to write stuff like that. But i mean that's why no one except you and Abby Kurosaki know who i really am. Anyway hoped ya liked the disclaimer. SAVE THE WOLVES! XD**

~Kaida-chan out, Ja ne!~


	5. Surprise Surprise

Sorry for such a late update, and to my newest reviewer whose name i forgot (im sooo sorry ^_^') your welcome! i'm glad i brightened your day =^_^= Anyway, i dont own FMA *cries hysterically* jk, arakawa! GIVE ME THE RIGHTS TO FMA OR SO HELP U I WILL *censored for the next couple of words b/c of violent usage of such language* So, enjoy~  
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BOOM *cloud of smoke dissipates*

'Tis I! The great… *whispers* hey! What's my name again?

*mutters* you'd think after 5 chapters she'd know her own *censored* name… (random person saying that)

Never mind! Thank you thank you. For those of you who don't know me I am… THE AUTHOR! Well today I am. The announcer was kidnapped a couple days ago by a random group of people by the name of *bleep bleep bleep* So today I will introduce the story of…

"How to get Yourself Killed by an FMA Character, or at least piss 'em off somehow…

Maybe some results from the "experiments" to see if it worked"

Today's character is…. Damn… They aren't here yet? Now how will the show go on? *panic panic p-* Wait! I know! I'll introduce them anyway. But it will be a special chapter. Today is the appearance of two characters. 1) because I love them so much that I can't decided which to put first 2) they have to be together. I have no reason to keep them apart. SO! I INTRODUCE THE NONEXISTANT AT THE MOMENT! Roy Mustang, and Riza Hawkeye! WAAH! THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE BY NOW! *runs around like a chicken with its head cut off*

"People. Rise for the new Fuher of AMESTRIS!"

"Roy. Shut up. You're getting full of yourself. AGAIN! We would've been early had you not have to schedule a date with every god *bleep* woman you saw!"

YOU'RE HERE! THE SHOW IS SAVED! *happy tears*

"You! Miss, would you like to go on a date with the new Fuher of Amestris?"

M-me?

"Yes, you. May I say that you have lovel-

I'll cut you off there. Hawkeye will shoot me. Or you. Whichever fits her fancy. Am I right?

"Yes."

Also, although you MAY be my type. There are other fish in the sea since someone already has her claim on you.

"And she would be?"

I'm not saying. I might end up dead. Can we go on to the show now?

"Fine."

"Fine with me but first. For all you lovely women out there, support your new-

SHUT UP ALREADY!

*cringe*

Thank you~ So, like last episode there'll be a little mock film. To the viewers at home it'll be like the first episode (chapter). For Hawkeye and Mus-

"Please, call me Roy."

_Mustang_, it'll be a video. And now we turn our attention to the screen!

Movie

Key: 

"Character mentioned"

Me

**_Roy Mustang: Paranoia about the Paranormal_**

Sir, I heard there's a Warehouse 13 in the warehouse district!

"There. Is. No. Haunted. Warehouse!"

I never said it was haunted. I was going to tell you they might be building one.

"Oh god help me…"

"SIR! DID YOU HEAR? THEY'RE-

"Making a Warehouse 13, yes Fuery, I heard."

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Uhm. Can I ask what happ-

"NO!"

Ok. I'll be leaving now…

"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD SIR!"

"IT WAS JUST HAYATE BURYING BONES FUERY!"

"Oh… That explains a lot…"

*face palm*

**_Riza Hawkeye: Staring Contest_**

BANG! BANG! BANG! "You have paperwork to do don't you?"

… Yes...

**_Roy Mustang: Paperwork_**

"LET THIS PAPERWORK. BE GONE! *about to snap fingers*"

Should you be doing that? The Lieutenant might shoot you.

"Damnit. I thought I was alone. Hey do me a favor. Stand behind the curtain and pretend to attack me when Hawkeye comes in will you?"

SIR! I'll get SHOT to DEATH!

"That's the goal my dear. Unless however you'd like to be burned alive…"

Oh, I hear the Elrics, bye~

**_Riza Hawkeye: The Demise of Mustang_**

Ma'am.

"Yes?"

I'm sorry to say this. But the Colonel. He's dead.

"No…"

Yes. It was fun killing him.

"You… *shoots like a crazy person at me*"

I have the philosophers stone. You can't stop me.

*SNAP*

NOOOO! *burns alive*

**_Roy Mustang: Problems with Shrimp_**

*wearing Ed costume* Hello Colonel Bastard.

"Shrimp."

DON'T CALL ME SHRIMP! DO I LOOK LIKE SOMETHING TO BE FRIED AND EATEN?

"Yes."

AGHHH! SCREW YOU! *attacks*

*SNAP*

YOU MISSED!

"Nope. Got your antenna thing."

**_Riza Hawkeye: Speak of the Devil_**

Ma'am, do you like the Colonel?

"No."

You do. You answered too fast.

"How'd yo- oh. You're in the behavioral analysis unit…" (A/N: ok so i took this from Criminal Minds, I DO NOT OWN IT!)

Yes. So?

"Fine, I like the Colonel. Why?"

Just a bet we officers have going.

"Uhuh…"

"What was that Lieutenant?"

"Oh. Sir… *thinks: Speak of the devil…* Nothing. Just talking the officer about some papers that were supposed to be turned in earlier..."

"Alright, carry on."

"Yes sir."

… Do I need to repeat anything?

*glare*

Apparently not. Have a nice day Lieutenant Hawkeye.

"You too…"

Back to the show~

"That was a simulation right?"

Yes it was.

"Good."

"Why? I thought it was excellent! It portrayed us very well!"

"Says the man who's bent on showing off his status. I thought you had reforms to make!"

"I do. Just a couple steps at a time though."

"Uhuh."

Sorry for interrupting, but could you save your little lover's spat for later?"

"WE'RE NOT LOVERS!" (both of them said that)

Riiiight… Anyway, that was the final episode of the series. Thank you for (reading) watching!

"You're ending it? I thought it had potential to continue."

I don't think I can portray anymore characters. I also have a lot more stories to finish. So I don't have time on my hands, sorry.

"Oh."

**A/N: Well that's it for this story. Thanks for reading through this otherwise boring story, sorry if you're disappointed about me not continuing this. Bye~**

**QWIK NOTE! If you've read my fic "Ways to Get out of Doing Paperwork" keep a look out for something called the Aftermath. I'm thinking of doing a seprate fic based off of that. A reviewer said they'd like to find out what happened after a little scenario. BUT the fic will be updated irregularly since i havent exactly written it entirely out... so ^_^' please bear with me on that... I'll post the first chapter when i somehow miraculously finish typing up the first chapter... *lazy person* so bibi!**


End file.
